before i was a mom

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

some of my things

I recently came across a book that took me by surprise. It was from the summer before I was a Junior at SLO High. I was dating this guy Branden Welshons and we had an awesome relationship. We both were very romantic and very cutesy and we got along wonderfully. We were the "puppy dog love" relationship type that got each other something for the month anniversaries!!! (I know, I know; lame.....)

I was down in San Diego visiting my Auntie Edie for a week. I had a lot of free time on my hands and our six month anniversary was coming up so I wanted it to be special. I had written a lot of poems for him and poems that were inspired by him and had kept them in a binder. I decided to go out and buy a blank paged journal and make him a poem book. I went around the back yard at my Auntie's and got leaves and rocks and a bunch of natural misc. things as well as ribbon and string from her sewing room; and decorated the pages with them. I typed up all the poems and placed them in the book and numbered the pages. I also took a bunch of pictures of him and I and some of my family and I and made a collage in the back of the book. It took me all week to make and I was so pleased when I was finished with it. When I got home, I also went out and bought a blue glass bottle with a cork and had put the sand from the beach (a lake beach) that we first kissed on. (Yes; I went back that same night we first kissed and grabbed a zip lock bag full of the sand and had held onto it for, apprently, this reason.) I decorated the bottle with our names and the date of our anniversary (October 31 1999) with a bunch of stars and things on it. It was quite cute and pathetic... lol. So anyway.....

Onto the book. We dated for a year and decided to go our separate ways and then he got all pissed at me when I moved on. He gave me all my things back, including that book, and we haven't spoke since. So I put those things in a box, taped it up and put it in my closet. It has moved around with me everywhere I have been, but never brought it out. I was doing a bit spring cleaning and decided to open up the box. Going through the poems was quite emotional, but I decided it would be nice to share them with you. So here are a few that were in there.....


Wait

Undaunted, I stand against
a sea of absolution where
I will make my wish for you....
Existing somewhere between
the shadows and the light.
You are lying there waiting for me...
some day I will find you.

I Love...

I love the smile that lights your face...
I love the warmth of your embrace...
I love the voice that says, "I care..."
I love each little joy we share....
I love your way of being sweet...
of making my life so special and complete
I love your undertanding as you would do...
I love you for just simply being you!

Falling Stars

I wish I could have you beside me
I wish I could have you holding me tight
I wish you will always be mine
Im wishing on a falling start tonight

I pray that you will stay beside me
I pray that you will be holding me tight
I pray that you will want only me
I pray as I am wishing on a falling star tonight

I know we will have our ups and downs
I know you will be holding me tight
I know you will want only me
I know; I am wishing on a falling star tonight

Now I have you beside me
Now you are holding me tight
Now you want only me
Now; as we wish on a falling star tonight

Do you?

Do you know you're the first thing on my mind
as soon as I wake up?
Do you know that I miss you
as soon as you leave?
Do you know that you're
the bestest thing in my life?
Do you know you're
the only one who cares?
Do you know that when you fall
I will always pick you up?
Do you know that when you cry
I will be the first one there?
Do you know that when you are sad
I am the first one to care?
Do you know you're the one
who changed my life?
Do you know you're my favorite person
in the whole widest world?
Do you know that I trust you
even more than my girls?
Do you know that you're my wish
on every star that falls?
Do you know you're the one
who tore my hearts walls?
Do you know that when I kiss you
it's the best time of my life?
Do you know how tall you are
really is cute?
Do you know you're my prayer
every single lonely night?
Do you know I think you're perfect
and we are just right?
Do you know when the phone rings
my heart jumps out of my chest?
Do you know I think you're different
from all of the rest?
Do you know I love you
more than you think?

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You can really tell (compared to my most recent ones) how completely novice and young it is. I really did put a lot of emotion behind all that though. I feel kind of sad because back then I had so much positive to inspire me. I feel like right now I only have a couple things to be inspired about and yet I feel like I would be crossing some boundaries or lines in writing them. Its one thing when theyre engraved in your heart; its another when its out on paper. Anyone can get a hold of it then.

say what?

Saw this and thought it was cute.... enjoy!




One fine October morning
in April, last July,
the moon fell on my window,
the rain shone in the sky.

The flowers sang quite sweetly.
The birds were in full bloom.
I dumped the neighbor’s garbage
inside our dining room.

My parents always praise me
for sneaking out of school.
They tell me not to study,
so I won’t be a fool.

My favorite food is spinach.
It makes my muscles small.
Each day I’m growing shorter—
soon I’ll be eight feet tall!

I’m saving up my money
to throw it all away.
I hope this poem annoys you,
so have a happy day.

poison....

You are my addiction, I take all of you in...
When all I feel is pain, your love is a poison.
I devour your heart, melt with in your soul...
Drink up your poison, until I feel whole.
I swim in your eyes as I am lost in the current...
Enjoying the feeling as your poison is sent.
Letting your voice breathe on my neck...
I shiver in pleasure taking in all I can get.
My tongue dancing with yours as you taste the bittersweet...
You indulge more in our kiss letting my poison release.
Now you're addicted with my poison so sweet...
You hunt through your thirst for tempations last treat.
My need is so wanting for everything that you are...
Let us drink up our love as it poisons our hearts.