confused and miguided

today has been such a weird and kind of frustrating day. actually my whole life pretty much. i have been struggling to maintain a healthy and happy life and i have been trying so hard to do so much good and it just seems like no matter what i get sucked down into this dark hole. it just seems like people keep trying to drag me down. well a couple of people in particular, but we don't need to mention them. (ick... just bit into a twix. sorry leo... i don't like chocolate as much as i had led on. oooooops.) i have been trying to clean up the messes i got myself into like my ex husband and some debt and some friendships that i lost. in the past 2 years after filing for divorce and being a free woman and breathing on my own, i have mostly come to terms with a lot of things and have mended some of my broken heart. but i still feel like something is missing.

i can think back to a time when i was happy. when i knew who i was and what i wanted and didn't feel so alone and down. that was when i was going to church and vvaa and was active in pathfinders. i didnt feel alone and i felt like i was; no, i KNEW i was close to Him and knew Him. i felt happy and involved and complete. i am sooooo longing for that. plus, i had made tons of awesome friends and became close to a lot of people. i miss that. i miss all the positive influences and the good times i had. i really think i would be in a better place right now if i hadn't of left chuch and vvaa and pathfinders. well, i wouldn't have bryanna, i amcertain of that; so that wouldn't be a very good trade, but sometimes i wish i could take my old life back and still have her. i know i would be happier and more positive and have a better overall outlook on life. and i would know Him.

i pray every day. i pray for many reasons too. for friends and family and people i dont know and myself and my daughter and before every meal and before i go to bed. the kind of life i have right now and the situation i have been placed in by that freaking a hole has put me into a position to where i feel like i need to ask for forgivness every day. an all though i don't mind communicating with Him, i want to feel at ease and not have pressure on asking for His forgiveness every day.

i also want to be able to provide a better life for bryanna. i want her to be able to have the opportunities that she needs to have her excel in life and have everything she wanted. so far, her father (and i am NOT trying to ex-husband bash here) hasn't really been that grat of a role model. right after i had her i was forced to go to work full-time and finish school full-time because he was too lazy to work and was in school (but slacking!). so he was always home with her and never gave her a structured environment. he always spolied her never disciplined her.... actually about that whole discipline thing.... for example: if she did something she wasnt supposed to or got into something she wasnt supposed to he wold ignore it. but if he was in the middle of a tv program or video game or on the computer and she interrupted him or asked for something or wanted to eat he would spank her. so she always felt like she was doing something wrong. since hes been gone i have been trying to reverse those effects and give her a more balanced and structured environment. it has definitely been a task, but i am not giving up! i want to bring her to chuch with me, but she hasnt expressed or shown any interest in wanting to go. i wish she would, but i cant force it upon her. it would defnitely be a learning experience for her right now, but i know later on she will understand it more and get more out of it. i started going to church when i was 7. i loved it. all the stories of christ and b.c. always fascinated me.



ICK! i need to get going. i'll write more in a bit.