lyrics for today

Incubus: I miss you

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

nothing in particular

I am extremely tired today. I got tons of sleep last night, but I think the lack of sleep from the night before needs to be made up. Ick...

Anyway, this tree is in front of my house. Pretty huh? Its starting to lose its prettiness, unfortunately, right now; but that's okay. I love the landscape around my house. Its always so beautiful. I have two hummingbird feeders outside my livingroom window and I like to sit and watch them feed on it with these pretty trees in the background.

Well, I better get going right now. My boss man just walked in and I cannot be caught blogging. twittering, meebo-ing and a whole lot of other 'ing's. I'll write more later.

9 minutes of fame!

I was randomly websurfing and came across a site: http://9minutesoffame.com/Default.aspx

you get to have your blog displayed for 9 minutes to everyone who is patiently waiting to see it! It's pretty cool. So I patiently waited for the chance to put my url in. After a few tries, I finally had my nine minutes of fame! Took some pics of it... coz Im a dork... crappy quality, but this is the most excitement I have had since I found out a friend of mine is coming into town! (way to twitter it up love! lol) Got to take out the trash and vacuum now.... t minus 10 minutes till quittin time!

Sanjaya no more and man can I relax now or what?!?!!?

Now I can sit here and rejoice because Sanjaya is no more! I was kinda sorta in a way scared that he was going to make it to the top four, but America finally got their heads outta their butts (and stopped listening to that stupid Howard Stern crap) and he had the least amount of votes. YAY!! Now this is where the real competition is at. I feel that everyone on the show now actually deserves to be there and would be the ones here right now even if Haley and Sanjaya were voted off weeks and weeks ago. OMGosh I can breathe now! LOL... anyway thats my random thought for today. Why the hell do I care about this show anyway?!?! Whow knows? Have a great day and a great Sabbath... ciao!

some of my things

I recently came across a book that took me by surprise. It was from the summer before I was a Junior at SLO High. I was dating this guy Branden Welshons and we had an awesome relationship. We both were very romantic and very cutesy and we got along wonderfully. We were the "puppy dog love" relationship type that got each other something for the month anniversaries!!! (I know, I know; lame.....)

I was down in San Diego visiting my Auntie Edie for a week. I had a lot of free time on my hands and our six month anniversary was coming up so I wanted it to be special. I had written a lot of poems for him and poems that were inspired by him and had kept them in a binder. I decided to go out and buy a blank paged journal and make him a poem book. I went around the back yard at my Auntie's and got leaves and rocks and a bunch of natural misc. things as well as ribbon and string from her sewing room; and decorated the pages with them. I typed up all the poems and placed them in the book and numbered the pages. I also took a bunch of pictures of him and I and some of my family and I and made a collage in the back of the book. It took me all week to make and I was so pleased when I was finished with it. When I got home, I also went out and bought a blue glass bottle with a cork and had put the sand from the beach (a lake beach) that we first kissed on. (Yes; I went back that same night we first kissed and grabbed a zip lock bag full of the sand and had held onto it for, apprently, this reason.) I decorated the bottle with our names and the date of our anniversary (October 31 1999) with a bunch of stars and things on it. It was quite cute and pathetic... lol. So anyway.....

Onto the book. We dated for a year and decided to go our separate ways and then he got all pissed at me when I moved on. He gave me all my things back, including that book, and we haven't spoke since. So I put those things in a box, taped it up and put it in my closet. It has moved around with me everywhere I have been, but never brought it out. I was doing a bit spring cleaning and decided to open up the box. Going through the poems was quite emotional, but I decided it would be nice to share them with you. So here are a few that were in there.....


Wait

Undaunted, I stand against
a sea of absolution where
I will make my wish for you....
Existing somewhere between
the shadows and the light.
You are lying there waiting for me...
some day I will find you.

I Love...

I love the smile that lights your face...
I love the warmth of your embrace...
I love the voice that says, "I care..."
I love each little joy we share....
I love your way of being sweet...
of making my life so special and complete
I love your undertanding as you would do...
I love you for just simply being you!

Falling Stars

I wish I could have you beside me
I wish I could have you holding me tight
I wish you will always be mine
Im wishing on a falling start tonight

I pray that you will stay beside me
I pray that you will be holding me tight
I pray that you will want only me
I pray as I am wishing on a falling star tonight

I know we will have our ups and downs
I know you will be holding me tight
I know you will want only me
I know; I am wishing on a falling star tonight

Now I have you beside me
Now you are holding me tight
Now you want only me
Now; as we wish on a falling star tonight

Do you?

Do you know you're the first thing on my mind
as soon as I wake up?
Do you know that I miss you
as soon as you leave?
Do you know that you're
the bestest thing in my life?
Do you know you're
the only one who cares?
Do you know that when you fall
I will always pick you up?
Do you know that when you cry
I will be the first one there?
Do you know that when you are sad
I am the first one to care?
Do you know you're the one
who changed my life?
Do you know you're my favorite person
in the whole widest world?
Do you know that I trust you
even more than my girls?
Do you know that you're my wish
on every star that falls?
Do you know you're the one
who tore my hearts walls?
Do you know that when I kiss you
it's the best time of my life?
Do you know how tall you are
really is cute?
Do you know you're my prayer
every single lonely night?
Do you know I think you're perfect
and we are just right?
Do you know when the phone rings
my heart jumps out of my chest?
Do you know I think you're different
from all of the rest?
Do you know I love you
more than you think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can really tell (compared to my most recent ones) how completely novice and young it is. I really did put a lot of emotion behind all that though. I feel kind of sad because back then I had so much positive to inspire me. I feel like right now I only have a couple things to be inspired about and yet I feel like I would be crossing some boundaries or lines in writing them. Its one thing when theyre engraved in your heart; its another when its out on paper. Anyone can get a hold of it then.

confessions of undying love, lust , like or whatev.

I know.... I have to wait. We have to be friends... I know..... and I may be pushing it posting this, but what can I say? I am an open book.... read me.

Muse: Unintended

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one Ill always love
You could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one Ill always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one Ill always love
Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before
Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

Before you

tgif !!!

Well, this week has come to an end and I couldn't be happier. Although this week has been a good (emotionaly) week.... it has been very hard on my body for some reason. Lots of lack of sleep, feeling exaughsted after work and cramps; so, so ready to put this week behind me and enjoy the weekend. Tomorrow is Sabbath and like I said before, I am bring Angie with me. I really hope she enjoys it and I hope she can walk away knowing that, if she allows, God can help her through this hard time. I have been praying for her since I found out she got locked up.... I know God is willing to be there for her and help her and support her, but she needs to be willing to let Him in. I was surprised and pleased when she asked me if she could come along with me to church. I had wrote her a letter about a month or so ago about my meeting up with a few friends from church and that I had planned on returning. And the next letter I got from her was in repsonse to that one saying that she really wanted to go with me. That she felt like it could be something positive for her (duh) and help give her the strength to stay clean. It made me feel so good that she took the initiative to wanna come along. We'll see how that goes.

Okay... feeling extremely lethargic right now ....

say what?

Saw this and thought it was cute.... enjoy!




One fine October morning
in April, last July,
the moon fell on my window,
the rain shone in the sky.

The flowers sang quite sweetly.
The birds were in full bloom.
I dumped the neighbor’s garbage
inside our dining room.

My parents always praise me
for sneaking out of school.
They tell me not to study,
so I won’t be a fool.

My favorite food is spinach.
It makes my muscles small.
Each day I’m growing shorter—
soon I’ll be eight feet tall!

I’m saving up my money
to throw it all away.
I hope this poem annoys you,
so have a happy day.

finally

Okay, so I have to say last nights American Idol was not half bad. I was extremely nervous when they told Sanjaya to sit back down, but already having Haley up there for the top three made me ease back a little bit. She was, indeed, the one who did the worst Tues. night so she deserved to be up there in the bottom three. I am soooooo soooooo glad they finally got rid of her! As soon as Sanjaya is out, I will be completely relieved. I am not too sure on who I want to to win. All the girls; Jordin, Melinda and Lakisha. Between the guys? The best is Blake, but I like Chris and Phil. But to win overall? Jordin because she is 17, Melinda because of her chance to make it big and be in front instead of back-up and Lakisha because she is trying to make a life for her daughter and herself. Melinda is the best, though. She has the most talent, in my opinion. I just don't know. All I know is they finally got rid of Haley and now they need to kick off Sanjaya. Bryanna doesn't even like him!!!!! 8-)

Anyway, off to compressing more files for the company and getting the basics outlined for the web page. Looooong day ahead of me.

American Idol

This is such a stupid topic and I really shouldn't get upset about this, but seriously; why the heck are Haley and Sanjaya still in the competition? I know that the people voted off would have already been voted off my now except for two, but these two people do not deserve to be on the show right now. And the whole votefortheworst.com thing is absolutely childish and vain. American Idol, yes, is about america voting for the ones they love, but honestly; its about talent as well and those people do not have a whole lot of it! Yeah, Haley may be pretty, but she sucks. And well Sanjaya.... he really has nothing going for him except that one time he had straightened his hair. Now I am not saying that he can't sing the correct notes or anything, but Simon said it right last night when he said that Sanjaya sounded like he was 14 when he sung that song. Ugh, so frustrating for me. AJ should have stayed, Stephanie, Sundance, Chris (Sleigh), Gina and anyone voted off after AJ was should have all stayed before Sanjaya and Haley. Ick...

Well, enough rants. Hope you all have a good day!

Inspirational Quotes and stuff

Some quotes from a book I am currently reading called, "The Game Of Life For Women {and how to play it}" by Florence Scovel Shinn:

"All power is given to each woman to bring 'her heaven' upon 'her earth' through right hitnking. This is the goal of the Game of Life."

"Ye, the Almighty shall be thy defense and thou shalt have plenty."

"By thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned."

"Resist not evil. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."

"Whatsoever a woman soeth, that shall she also reap."

"A burden is an adverse thought or condition, and this thought or condition has its root in the subconcious."

"Real love is selfless and free from fear."

"Acknowledge God in all thy ways and God shall direct thy path."

"There is, for each wmoan, perfect self-expression."

"Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind."


This book has been a very big key in getting myself back on track with life; with God. She teaches so much about self-control and patience. She speaks of a verse in it "Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." (Prov. 4:23) I had spent the begining of my relationship with my (ex) husband seeing life in a negative way. (This was after I fond out some pretty incrminating things that he did... ie: cheat.) Sooner or later it became what I envisioned. I have been struggling to put my life back together after that mis-hap. Which leads me to the next verse...

"Ask, and it shall be given you, seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." (Mat. 7:7) I had been trying so hard to get back into touch with some people from VVAA and church. Last year I re-aquainted myself with a few friends from school and church and come from just school. They were positive people in my life before and I thought that maybe they could be now. Although they are still great friends and I talk to them occasionally, they haven't been able to influence me enough. This is because I wasn't asking... I was simply just being. I sat down one night and I asked God to help me. To put me on the right path and put some influencial people in my life; some motivation. Well about two weeks after that my friend Danica called me up. She and I were talking about the good ol' days and who we have and haven't kept int ouch with and she mentioned a certain someone. Well, I looked them up and sent them a message and they replied. That was about a month and a half ago and ever since then we have talked almost everyday and they have opened me up to finding more positive people to surround myself with. I didn't realize that this person was here to help me with that. To help me get on the right path and make things more positive for me. I was knocking on God's door and he opened it for me. He was there along with one of my, what I consider now, best friend.

We met up about a month ago when he came into town and he flat out told me; you should go back to church. (Not his words.) I had always made excuses "Oh no one can watch Bryanna...." or "Bryanna is too much to handle in church...." and Bryanna had never really expressed an interest in going. So that kind of made me stay home. But after him nudging me a little bit to go I agreed. That next Sabbath I played it VERY safe and stayed home and had worship at home with Bryanna. I took out my Bible and her Childrens Bible and I had her chose a story that caught her interest. I read that story to her then told her more about it in my Bible. She was very interested in it. Then we sang some songs and prayed. Needless to say... I was making up really lame excuses. The following Saturday (which was this past weekend) we were out of town and I wasn't familiar with the church down there.... but this Sabbath I am definitely going. Bryanna, myslef AND Angelica. So that will be amazing bringing her along with me too. Give her some positive scriptures and an influencial enviroment. Hopefully it will help her keep strong in staying clean.

Well, I will write more tomorrow. Time to go home!

God Bless!

my garden

a few weeks ago i planted a garden in my back yard. i put in some marigolds and celosias under the bird bath and then a row of pansies, marigolds and celosias in front of the fence. they were doing good until some slugs came in and destroyed the marigolds at the bird bath. i have had to go out every night with a flashlight and kill the darn things! so today i am going to go get some sluggo and try that. if that doesnt work then i'll have to rip up the marigolds and just plant celosias. which is okay, but i'd like to keep the pretty marigolds. i do have to give myself some credit though; going into this, i had NO idea what i was doing. i have no green thumb. maybe i should have asked my mom. she was a horticulture major in college! anyway... thought i would show you some pics that i took after i first planted them. i am going to put in some edging around the row of flowers to make it look more defined. it looks kind of plain and bland right now. pretty flowers, though. have a super day!

easter weekend

this weekend was an awesome weekend. we went down to go visit some family and it was nice being able to see and spend time with them. it's been a while. i got to relax and hang out and cook and i took bryanna to a park and we fed the duckies. she had a lot of fun. she ran around and rode her scooter that i brought down with us. gosh it was a blast. anyway, on easter i put bryanna in the shower then went outside and hid 56 eggs! that took two bags of jelly beans and a bag of chocolate eggs to fill all those. tons of candy for her. when she got out of the shower i got her dressed then went and looked for the egss in the front, side and back yard. she hasnt been easter egss hunting sice she was two, so i dont think she remembers the feeling of gratitude you get when you find all of the easter eggs. i only had to play hot and cold with her on a few eggs that i hid well, but other than that she found the rest. its amazing to sit back and watch your childs face light up over the smallest of things. well; they're a big deal to her, but you know. i remember back when i was a kid how important easter egg hunting was for me, but i had my brother and sometimes a whole lotta cousins to compete against.... bryanna got all the eggs for herself. i dont think she would have ejoyed it as much if she had to compete against someone else. she is a sore loser sometimes. i think she might be high maintenence when she gets older. poor fella who meets her huh? but anyway, she had tons of fun and that made me smile.

then after all was said and done i was sitting in a chair looking out into the back yard and i saw an opossum walk across the top of the brick fence. i immediately got up and got my camera out and then as soon as i turned to go out the back i saw another one, but this time it was GINORMOUS!!! i turned on the camera and slowly went out into the back. (now i have seen possums before, but only at night. i dont think i have ever seen one at 1 in the afternoon). i slowly made my way out into the middle of the yard and by the time i had gotten to that pot, they were behind the hibiscus and trying to make their way into another hiding spot for the day. but i did manage to get a picture of one. its not a good one, but oh well.

i didnt get back unti very late last night and when i came back.... i found that the slugs had completely diminished my marigolds! so i am going out to go buy some sluggo today. wooooowhoooooo!

lyrics for today

can't get this song outta my head. not a bad thing, i suppose; but i seriously am thinking about someone and its driving me nuts!!!


I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me, but you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes
And I know, the waiting is all you can do
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep, I'll put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me.
I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep
'cos I'll put a spell on you, And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realize that you love me

aqualung-strange and beautiful

confused and miguided

today has been such a weird and kind of frustrating day. actually my whole life pretty much. i have been struggling to maintain a healthy and happy life and i have been trying so hard to do so much good and it just seems like no matter what i get sucked down into this dark hole. it just seems like people keep trying to drag me down. well a couple of people in particular, but we don't need to mention them. (ick... just bit into a twix. sorry leo... i don't like chocolate as much as i had led on. oooooops.) i have been trying to clean up the messes i got myself into like my ex husband and some debt and some friendships that i lost. in the past 2 years after filing for divorce and being a free woman and breathing on my own, i have mostly come to terms with a lot of things and have mended some of my broken heart. but i still feel like something is missing.

i can think back to a time when i was happy. when i knew who i was and what i wanted and didn't feel so alone and down. that was when i was going to church and vvaa and was active in pathfinders. i didnt feel alone and i felt like i was; no, i KNEW i was close to Him and knew Him. i felt happy and involved and complete. i am sooooo longing for that. plus, i had made tons of awesome friends and became close to a lot of people. i miss that. i miss all the positive influences and the good times i had. i really think i would be in a better place right now if i hadn't of left chuch and vvaa and pathfinders. well, i wouldn't have bryanna, i amcertain of that; so that wouldn't be a very good trade, but sometimes i wish i could take my old life back and still have her. i know i would be happier and more positive and have a better overall outlook on life. and i would know Him.

i pray every day. i pray for many reasons too. for friends and family and people i dont know and myself and my daughter and before every meal and before i go to bed. the kind of life i have right now and the situation i have been placed in by that freaking a hole has put me into a position to where i feel like i need to ask for forgivness every day. an all though i don't mind communicating with Him, i want to feel at ease and not have pressure on asking for His forgiveness every day.

i also want to be able to provide a better life for bryanna. i want her to be able to have the opportunities that she needs to have her excel in life and have everything she wanted. so far, her father (and i am NOT trying to ex-husband bash here) hasn't really been that grat of a role model. right after i had her i was forced to go to work full-time and finish school full-time because he was too lazy to work and was in school (but slacking!). so he was always home with her and never gave her a structured environment. he always spolied her never disciplined her.... actually about that whole discipline thing.... for example: if she did something she wasnt supposed to or got into something she wasnt supposed to he wold ignore it. but if he was in the middle of a tv program or video game or on the computer and she interrupted him or asked for something or wanted to eat he would spank her. so she always felt like she was doing something wrong. since hes been gone i have been trying to reverse those effects and give her a more balanced and structured environment. it has definitely been a task, but i am not giving up! i want to bring her to chuch with me, but she hasnt expressed or shown any interest in wanting to go. i wish she would, but i cant force it upon her. it would defnitely be a learning experience for her right now, but i know later on she will understand it more and get more out of it. i started going to church when i was 7. i loved it. all the stories of christ and b.c. always fascinated me.



ICK! i need to get going. i'll write more in a bit.

freak yeah ...

this is just one hundred percent amazing..... angie got out yesterday and i went to meet her after my dr. appt. (more about that later) and we went to the quarterdeck to have some lunch. i told her i would take her out to dinner, but she couldnt wait for that sunset passion (and honestly; neither could i) so we went earlier. the last time she and i ordered one of those was when we went there to celebrate me getting this job and that was back in june and let me tell you.... that sunset passion tasted better than i had remebered. it was dayum good! anyway, i ordered a tri tip sandwich (which is so un-like me) and she ordered the cheeseburger. i had never seen anyone suck down a cheeseburger as fast as she did lol... she hasn't had real food since before she got locked up and she said it was the best cheeseburger she ever had. after we had lunch we went back to my house and she got online and checked all her messages on myspace and yahoo and caught up on a couple things then we went to go get bryanna.... after that we went shopping and then went back to my house to chill for a bit, then i took her home. it was so nice and wonderful having her out and me being able to talk to her face to face. i was sooooo nervous seeing her for whatever reason, but as soon as she got out of her car and i gace her a hug that all went away.

gotta go... i hope all of you out there have a wonderful rest of the week!