excitement

So i called angie's mom yesterday to see how her court thing went and she told me that angelica might be getting out sometime next week! i was going to go down to visit her, bu if she is getting out next week i'll just wait until i pick her up. i am so fucking excited. she is trying to get into a sober home in santa maria somewhere and interviews for it today. i hope she can get in. it would be good for her. she told me that as soon as she gets out she wants to go to the quarterdeck and get a sunset passion... so im gunna take her there and get one. i really hope that she does get out next week, but i am not going to get my hopes up. i would be very disappointed if she didn't. i mean i will anyway, but i am not expecting her to get out so soon. shes supposed to be out the end of this month anyway and shes already been in for over a month now so having to wait an extra couple of weeks isnt so bad. i miss her.

poison....

You are my addiction, I take all of you in...
When all I feel is pain, your love is a poison.
I devour your heart, melt with in your soul...
Drink up your poison, until I feel whole.
I swim in your eyes as I am lost in the current...
Enjoying the feeling as your poison is sent.
Letting your voice breathe on my neck...
I shiver in pleasure taking in all I can get.
My tongue dancing with yours as you taste the bittersweet...
You indulge more in our kiss letting my poison release.
Now you're addicted with my poison so sweet...
You hunt through your thirst for tempations last treat.
My need is so wanting for everything that you are...
Let us drink up our love as it poisons our hearts.

tragic lives are lost

I found out that one of my friends from a long while ago... one of my BEST friends, just died. I am sure some of you heard about it, but it was Anthony Stepaniak. Him and I were friends from 7th grade until our senior years. Then we lost touch.
A lot of why we lost touch was because of his girlfriend. He started dating this chick who has issues and put a lot of stress and grief on him. Needless to say; I didn't like her. (If anyone who is reading this is her friend, I am sorry for what I am about to say, but this has nothing to do with you.) She constantly was fighting with him and pulled him into meth and caused a lot of problems. Brought the worst out in him, if you will. Hes a great guy, who made a lot of bad choices and one of them was her. I guess this (bitch) called the cops on him once again and it pissed him off so he took the car (he bought her) and went driving off. She reported it stolen. He was out on highway 58 when he took a turn too fast and flipped the car several times. He was taken to French hospital and died later on. I'm not saying this is her fault... I'm just saying.
Now I have totaled it up.... over the past 4 years, I have lost 20 friends to either car accidents or suicide. One of them affected me tremendously and I still haven't been strong enough to let go. Please; if you have common sense... DO NOT SPEED!!!

Well, back to work and back to feeling shitty. Damn sickness and allergies.

The Stepaniaks: I am praying for you.

absolutely crushed

My friends mom called me today and told me she talked to Angelica. Angelica said she doesnt want any visitors because shes ashamed of whats going on with her being in jail and all. I am so sad because I really want to see her, but I can respect and understand her decision. I have been writing her and I am going to send her some money this weekend so she can buy some things while shes in there. At least she got my letters and appreciates that. I just want her to know I am here for her. Wish I could say it face to face, but hopefully she'll want to have someone visit her.

Angelica!!! I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!!!

twisting knots in my stomach

i am absolutely so sick to my stomach about my friends situation. I just wanted so much to be there for her today and I couldnt and I feel like crap. I have been an emotional wreck all day and it looks like I am not going to be able to go down to sb co. jail to see her either tomorrow. boooooo. i feel so sick. damn. i fucking MISS HER!

extreme crap...

I just found out recently that one of my best friends just got arrested. She was pulled over for whatever reason and then searched. She was with someone and his son (who was a minor) in her car and was caught with possesion of meth. now theyre trying her for distribution because i guess she had a lot on her. her bail is 34,000.00 so its a felony charge which she is looking at some prison time. i am going to go to her court hearing on friday and go visit her in jail on saturday. i freakin am so fucked up about this. i am mad at her for even putting herself in that situation, but i am sad because i cant pick up the phone and call her. she cant pick up the phone and call me. i love her to death and i care about her so much i hate that shes in this place. i wrote her a letter telling her that i am here for her. if she needs me to go to her court hearings, im there... if she needs me to visit as often as i can, im there. i will write her every week and will do what i can to be there for her with the limitations she has. i know that none of her friends are even going to give a crap about this. theyve always turned their back on her when she needed someone. (not bragging) but i have always been there for her. i had just barely gotten to know her and offered my home to her and her husband when they didnt have a place to go. and even when i didnt have a place to live and was with my mother i offered her the couch i slept on so she wouldnt have to sleep in her car. she tried asking friends (who had their own places) but they always said no so she had to sleep in her car those nights, but i was always there for her and i am going to be there for her now. i just hope she knows that i am thinking about her and that i will be there for her. man.... this fucking sucks