♥dance like no ones watching♥

New Blog!

2007-10-03T08:25:00.000-07:00

Hey....

go to www.meshuggah.wordpress.com for my new blog.

short, but sweet. HA!

2007-10-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hey all. Just a small little update.

Since I wrote last I am still at Redefined Property Services working my little bootie off. I have received checks from him and they are being honored just fine, but have decided that this is an added stress that I do not need. I love working for the company and I think my boss is a wonderful man, but having even the slightest worry of not being paid is well worth leaving. I was offered a job working for Dolphin Bay Inn Hotel & Residences and gladly accepted. My mom actually works there! LOL. But she is the Assistant to the Director of Housekeeping. Not the department I will be working in. I will actually be doing front desk, taking reservations and concierges. They pay is less than what I get here, but I am guranteed a paycheck and I get full benifits after a short period of time. I have to wear a uniform too! LOL. A gray pencil skirt with a blue blouse, black cardigan and a scarf. It's a pretty cool little uniform. I don't mind. I haven't had to wear one since I worked at Marie Calenders back in '03. Well, I had to wear a vest at OSH, but that doesn't really count.
I start next Monday. I am so excited!! After I am there for a couple of weeks, I am going to search for a second job. I am going to work as much as I can. I am making it right now, you know, but I need to start saving up money. There is a spa there that offers a %20 discount and hopefully the yoga classes will be only $5 for employees soon. That is another thing I am excited about.
I just got back from a very long, but much needed two week vavcation. This is how it went...

Saturday the 16th we flew into Denver from San Jose. We got in about 11:30pm, got to the house, had a piece of toast and went to bed. We got up the next morning, ate breakfast, got ready and went to the airport to fly into Salt Lake City. When we arrived in Salt Lake, we hopped on the shuttle to get to the car that Mary had left for us. Got in the car, put the keys in the ignition and... nothing. Apparently she had left the XM radio on in the car for over a week and drained the life outta the battery. So the airport emergency people guy dude man person thing came with his big alternator contraption and blasted life back into the battery. Get back in, try to adjust the seats; nothing. So all along were driving from Salt Lake to Island Park, Idaho with the legs stretched as far as humanly possible because the seat was in the all the way back position. LOL.
I feel asleep in the back seat because if I am not driving, then I am terribly bored and I definitely needed the sleep. I slept all the way from Pocatello to Island Park! (Google map it and you'll see how far that is.) Got to Island park, unloaded the car and went to sleep.
Monday morning we get up and try to figure out why the hell the seat won't work. Can't. Spend most of the morning doing that then beg to go into Yellowstone for the day. Got into the park, went to Old Faithful, watched some geysers go off, had some lunch, saw some wildlife (see my flickr photos at http://www.flickr.com/photos/feven) and went back to the trailer. Had some dinner, played war for about two hours and went to bed. Got some very good and much needed sleep.
;-)
Tuesday woke up to Gary's cell ringing. It was Jim telling us that when the guy at the airport jumped the car he also blew something that involved the functioning of the seat so they had to order a part. Mary and Jim came back and we took a drive to Gardiner, Montana through the park. Stopped off at Mammoth on the way and had to hucklberry icecream (friggin' yummy) and saw some elk (see pics). Drove back, had dinner and wine and went to bed. Another good nights rest.
Wednesday, hung out at the trailer, took some pics, went for a walk down a trail to a busted up boardwalk (reminded me of a scary movie) that went out to the endge of the Madison river, came back and well shit. I can't really remember what else we did that day. LOL.
Crap, I need to go.

a current update of my oh so unfortunate life right now

2007-08-29T15:57:00.001-07:00

so...

yeah it has been a while! thanks for pointing that out mager. props to you! anyway, so far life is SHIT! i left a very secure job that yeah, i was unhappy with, for a job that was better fit for my career as well as the pay being good. and have been there for over a month now, but i am no longer working for the company!!! why? you ask. well, payroll comes around and the came and went and i hadn't received my paycheck yet. (my boss isn't always in the office and had fired the accountant.) so i called him and emailed him and finally i got paid the following monday. okay, fine. he had a good excuse. still should have gotten paid on that friday but whatever. so, next payroll comes around and again, same shit!!! so i told him he needed to come back to the office and pay me. he did. so i didn't come back in. i emailed him telling himt hat it wasn't right for an employee to have to ask for their paycheck and that he shouldn't of hired someone on if he couldn't pay them. he replied by saying that i am great for the company and if there was anything he could do to get me to come back. i told him no, so then he proposed to pay me up front. i agreed, but told him i would only work the hours that he paid up front for and that he would have to pay me that way for a while until i felt comfortable enough going back to regular payroll. until i could build up trust with him again.
i went into the office yesterday to meet him and he wrote me two checks. one for payroll for today and one as an advancement to get me to come back and work. i was very hesitant in taking the checks becaise i wanted to make sure he gave it to me in cash so i wouldn't have to worry about the checks bouncing and what-not, but when i got to the bank to cash them, i was able to. so that put my mind at ease for a bit. (sorry i am writing in all lower caps. for whatever reason i found it necessary to do so.)
i went to san francisco yesterday to pick up a couple of my friends at the airport. then we went downtown and to fishermans wharf to hang out and do some shopping. it was a good trip. we got to the airport about 30 min. before their flight came in and when we went to check their flight information it said that it was delayed until 2:11-their original time was 12:30-so heather and i drove to redwood city to go have lunch. i wanted to go see mager, but for whatever reason i couldn't. nerves got the better of me i suppose. i also wanted to see jessie, but i felt uncomfortable bringing heather along with me because she doesn't know her or mager and i didn't want her to feel bored or whatever. i can't really exlain it.
anway, they finally got in and we got in the car and started to head downtown. i was so proud of myself because i do not take or give directions well and none of us knew where we were going so i just drove until i saw signs that lead us right into downtown. and i found my way to where we needed to go and how to get back to the 101 from fishermans wharf. i was going to bet money that i would have gotten lost, but oh well. i have no sense of direction and unless i have a mapquest page printed out right in front of my face, then i know i am going to get lost at some point. but, i didnt! yay! kudos to me.
we got back at about 10 or so. actually, i didnt get home until 11 because i needed to drop roland off at his house, then take megaroo and heather back home to their house. megaroo gave me some sweet ass wine fron france!! like actual french wine! hell yeah! so i am going to dip into that tonight. and i have more wine that was bought last weekend... no no no. someone at gary's work brought back some wine from a wonery when doing coffee for them so i can get into that tonight as well. or save it for another night. whoa, what a dilemma. which wine should i get into first?? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
work is extremely hot and tiring right now. i have busted my ass trying to catch up these past 2 weeks that i have been "on vacation" (as everyone thinks i was) and it has been a monster. i had, get this, 400 emails to catch up on! thats an average of about 28 emails a day! crazy stuff huh?? so i need to finish with those and all of the phone messages. 22 of them. which is not bad, but having to weed through all the hangs ups and wrong numbers was annoying. i ended up with only 10 that i actually had to take care of. OMG get this! so i come into the office today and jenni (my receptionist) asked me if i knew about an infestation that was going on by tom's desk and i told her no. i had no idea what she was talking about and i was too busy playing catch up to even consider looking. after i got back from lunch, i had a few minutes of down time and decided to investigate the situation. HOLY FREAKING CRAP!!! there were hundreds of these little winged insects and some w/o wings crawling around on the carpet and up in the window cill and near the baseboards. so i went online and googles small bodied, long winged insects and went through several images until i found one that looked identical. termites. it turns out, these things come out near the end of spring and during summer to mate. yes, thats right... to GET IT ON right in the middle of the office carpet! so... that means that in the next couple of days, they are going to be breeding like mad crazy. TGIF is all i have to say about that. luckily our company specializes in dry rot and pest control so he is going to poison the hell outta these buggers and hopefully rid of the problem before we return to work on tuesday. OMG it is a three day weekend. freak yeah!
i have so many things to do this weekend. i need to dig out my dead and dying pansies/marigolds/celosias and make a trench to blend potting soil and sand that way when i plant new ones they might actually live. the dirt i have in my back yard in clay so they didnt like it too much. i either didnt water them enough or too much because of the way the clay retains (and sometimes lack there of) water. i am also going to convince my better, no; other half to get something to put in the corner of the yard that is bare.
my tomato plants in the front are doing very well. we already picked the carrots and, although they look extremely disfunctional, they are full of flavor. the tomato that i picked was very sweet and fully ripe so that was nice. i have another tomato plant growing in the back yard. i took a lot of picks of the garden as it started to grow, but have lazily decided to not put them up on flickr yet. most of it has to do with the fact that my camera broke so i sent it in to get fixed. it took them forever and finally i had to call to see what was up with that and they said they would just send me a new one. the part(s) that they had to replace were on parts backorder and weren't sure when they were going to get them in. i just got my camera back the other day so i promise this weekend i will post them on flickr.
i think in the last post i said i was trying to lose weight. well, task and goal accomplished! i have lost about 15lbs. i did lose more, but was very depressed for a couple weeks and gained about 7 back, but have been busting my ass to try and lose more. i need to get that 7 back off and lose an additional 5 and i will be all gravy!!! actually, i wont be gravy; i'll be skinnier! lol. dork. anyway, hellie and i hope to start a yoga class soon and then get in to take some spinning classes. we'll see. i took a spinning class once and that KICKED MY ASS!!!! but it did get my booty in shape. until i had bryanna.
awwwww, i miss that little girl! i spoke with her a few hours ago and she was with her dad at the bowling alley bowling a 72! crazy. bumper bowling, of course, but a 72 none-the-less. she is doing very well in school and is excited about first grade. she actually went to homework club on her own! good girl. i wish she would come back already. i'll se her during xmas, though. thank God for holidays!
alrighty, time to get back to work. i will try and keep my blog more updated. i need to add more 14,000 things to be happy about postings. i have the book still.
have a wonderful three day weekend!

learn chinese in 5 minutes!

2007-08-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

www.funnyjunk.com

updates

2007-07-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

i havent written in a while so i thought i would sit down and give you all an update on everything.

so as you may know already, angelica moved in with me. it is working out great! at first she watched breezy while i worked so i didnt have to worry about that and now she has taken over for me at my previous place of employment. now she is able to save up money to get a car. hopefully she will never move out, though. i want her to live with me forever!!!!! muahahahahaha. lol.

i started my new job yesterday. if you follow me on twitter and pownce and iilwy and all those other social networking sites you would know that i am loving it. but for those of you who don't and only know whats up in my life on my blog then i will recap. i started it yesterday and i love it! i probably emailed about 100 times and the same with today. no; emailing is not my job, but its the best way to keep in contact with my boss and thats how he gives me my agenda, which changes all the time. the company has been around for about 20 years, but he just opened an office in slo. my current title is production coordinator. which, in andrew magers words, means coordinator of activity! ha! i have been super busy and the time goes by so quickly. right now, i am bascially just organzing the office and taking all of my boss's calls. calling people, retunring phone calls, faxing, emailing, getting bids, scheduling contractors etc. it is so awesome. and the pay is wonderful too! and will be more wonderful in 60 days when i prove to him that i can kick ass at this job! my office is cool too. i will post pics on flickr sometime next week. i keep forgetting my camera at home. boooooo.

now lastly; breezy. she will be leaving auagust 6th to move out to her dad's in GA. i am incredibly messed up about it and have not been so willingly to let her go. i had to make the decision, though, because she deserves to see her father. and he is almost guaranteed to not deploy for another year. i am just so sad to see her go especially since i have made so much progress with her and her behavior after getting her back from him the last time. but i do know that it will work out for me and for her as well. not emotionally, but in every other aspect of life. with this new job and my feeling so incredibly burnt out and confused, i will have more time to reflect on this past year and see what changes i need to drastically make in my life.

angelica and i are trying our hardest to drop some weight. i was living such an unhealthy lifestyle. and in the past month or so, she and i have made some big changes. we are on slim-fast. yes, thats right; slim-fast. it is actually working out well for the both of us. well, correction-we are drinking kirkland brand slim-fast. it is better tasting anyway. i have dropped some punds and i am sure hellie has too-although she thinks she hasnt- and i feel so much better about my body. mager gave me some good tips too. so i have to give a shout out to him! --ahhhhh laptop is going to die!!!--

well, i should get back to organizing and such. i will update more tomorrow.

troops that have the funnies!!!!

2007-07-10T15:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was going to post a blog about social networking, but to be quite honest with you I have no energy to get into the depth that I wanted to. So for now enjoy a video of some troops trying to lighten things up!!

start wiping things down!!!

2007-07-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

so as i was getting up to flush the toilet yesterday, i had noticed that the toilet flusher thingie was a smudgy. and i thought to myself 'oh my goodness, i wonder when the last time i wiped this thing down?!' (oh, don't sit there all ewwww like; when was the last time you wiped yours down?!?!) then i thought 'i wonder what other things in the house rarely to never get wiped down. so i compiled a list. i was shocked with how many i came up with so i went around the house and cleaned. everything.

door knobs and the spot that surrounds them, remote control, faucet/faucet handles, toilet flusher thingie, towel racks, shower head, edges of counters/coffee table, lamp switches, door locks, cupboard hardware, baseboards,
cell phone, buttons on your electronics, computer keyboard, light switches and the wall that surrounds them, dish drainer, trash can/recycle bin, backs of kitchen chairs

thats all i have for now. if you can think of any more, please let me know and i will add it to the list and go home and clean it. we should all take a little bit of time to wipe these things down more often. germies are no friends of ours!!!

paris power ballad

2007-07-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

Paris Power Ballad

don't you wish this cop would pull you over?

2007-07-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

listen carefully to what he says at the end!!!!

first week of july

2007-07-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

started out to be a very good week for me. actually, i don't remember what monday was like-lol- but tuesday was awesome. i got to have lunch with jesse and watch her buy some girlie pants. then later on that night, angelica, bryanna and i met up with jesse, jessica and amanda for as bonfire at avila. go to http://www.flickr.com/photos/feven for those pics. then yesterday-fourth of july,yay!- i met up with jesse and them for a little bit at the beach. gala was having a mad party with free beer and food, but i couldn't stay because i needed to go back to the house for the party they were having. which was a bummer because apparently jesse had something "important" she needed to talk to me about, but obviously couldn't and she had to subject herself to doing it online; which, if you ask me, is so high schoolish and pathetic. but i will not hold it against her. so anyway, i left the beach and hung out with my family and friends and got smashed on some pina coladas. sobered up and around 8:30 or so we walked down to the beach to watch the fireworks. which was a bust because it was too foggy to see the pismo show, but actually ended up to be okay because the people around us made a better show. so it turned out good anyway. bryanna had to go pee very badly so i walked her to a place where she could cop-a-spot behind a tree. she ended up stepping in her pee and was cranky the whole time we were there. i got some pretty decent pics of the fireworks. compared to the auto setting on my camera, the 'scene-fireworks' option doesn't do too bad. omg! i almost forgot to tell you all that i got a new job!!! i start on the 23rd and the position is personal assistant/receptionist!! more money, same hours and much better than here! i am so excited. hopefully angelica will be able to take over my position here. i don't see any reason why not. i mean, she has the same experience as me, she is ready and willing, he doesn't need to find someone to replace me in two weeks and he won't have to go through a temp agency like he did with me; which he has said it cost him more money than it was worth. i had interviewed for that on tuesday. my interview was at 5:30 and we ended up chatting for an hour and 15 minutes!!! he is a local contractor that doesn't do any new development, but remodels homes and turns apartments complexes into condo's. he also flips houses. he's a pretty cool dude. basically i will be taking all of his calls, retrieving bids, filing etc. definitely a good thing for me to be leaving. i hope i am not taking on too much, though. with getting this new job i will not be geeking out so much during the day. i will be too busy and i will miss all my geek programs. :-( i am gaining so much more, though. sooooo monday-wednesday were all good days. then today. jesse and i are talking and she had to start talking-online, none-the-less-about what she wanted to talk to me about. now i am sad, upset,angry, hurt and in a bad mood. i just want to go home and eat a big fat tub of ice cream. but i can't :-( i am going to have lunch with allison tomorrow so that should be good. i saw her yesterday, but i haven't been able to have one-on-one with her in weeks. we have tons to talk about. monday i am meeting jesse for lunch so we can finish our convo in a non-childish way. i have so much to say to her. grrrrr. she wanted to meet tomorrow, but i see it best that i calm down and sleep on all of this new information. that way on monday i will be less hurt, less sad and less pissed off. i hope tomorrow makes up for today. except, i'm putting in my two weeks........

14,000 things to be happy about

2007-06-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

Perseid meteor showers
turning off all the lights except those on the Christmas tree
playing hooky to do something you don’t ordinarily have time for
uncovering an unexpected patch of wildflowers
practicing speaking French
enlarging a favorite photo
alternating between reading a novel and looking at the hilltop skyline
getting mail
the secret urge to expedite the person ahead of you through a revolving door
rain at night, if you’re safe in bed
the ability of parents to guide their small children around by the tops of their heads
unread textbooks
crazy kids
cold hands
making clarinets squeak
buying T-shirts and short-sleeve shirts on the first day of spring, and then having a blizzard on that night
feeling blue
overdue library books
the gap in the dressing room curtain that can never be completely closed
having an unfortunate knack for approaching a set of double doors and always pushing the locked one

this friday

2007-06-25T16:55:00.001-07:00

The new iphone is coming out. I want it!!!! It has every single tool you could ever want on it. Who wants to buy it for me? Get me the IPHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks!

"why i ♥ jesse"

2007-06-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

her smile
her cute nose
her laugh
her smell
tiny;cute hands
her legs
her bitchen hair
her eyes
her soft voice
her soft everything
her sweet kisses
her hard shell
her soft middle
"squishy squish"
shes my babe
shes romantic
shes raw
shes emotional
shes honest
shes outgoing
shes sweet
shes cute
no; gorgeous
alright; sexy
and because she ♥ me too

[from the words of tatum i would suppose; i would write more, but there would be nothing left for me to cherish about her]

before i was a mom

2007-06-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

Before I was a Mom I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night. Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put them down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom. Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. Before I was a Mom I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.

14,000 things to be happy about

2007-05-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

a suit made to order
50s music
designing billboards
fish fries
"Out to din-din" signs
putting on the soundtrack of a favorite Broadway show and singing it in the shower
Saturday lunch for leaf-rakers
watch fobs
watching the winning touchdown
waterfront properties in Maine
trammel=adjustable, two-piece pothook
after shower cologne
children's toy ovens
"Its better to ask your way twice than lose your way once"
butter-crumbled eggs
cotton-velor terry wrap robes
eating all your snack-bar items before the movie starts
sauntering
getting carried away
hot sauce chugging
the pounding of a hammer
slumberousness
true, lasting values
spun glass
blue for delphiniums, inky dark lobelia, the sea and the sky
the many positions you take when trying to read an article and there is not enough light

Why Geeks and Nerds Are Worth It...

2007-05-25T14:32:00.000-07:00

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they’re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I’ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They’re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it’s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They’re more romantic than they’re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like ‘em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like ‘em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They’ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it’ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they’re more attentive than guys who “have more options”. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they’ll likely have mental lists of all the things they’d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I’m not really familiar with this myself, but I’ve friends who’ve been intimate with geek guys and it’s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They’re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you’re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won’t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his “groove” on with club hotties because, frankly, he’ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won’t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he’ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I’ve seen this happen.
Me: “Eww. Victoria Secret’s Models... They’re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!”
Geek Guy: “ooooooo...”
Me: “Hey!” *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: “What?”
Me: “Never mind...”

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you’ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he’ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn’t want to go someplace with you, you won’t have to worry much about what he’s up to. You’ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It’s ok. He’s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren’t jerks. I can’t stress this enough. You’ll more likely get “Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!” than “Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...” They’re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

12.) They’re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won’t care. He does too! They won’t get pissy if you don’t wear make-up or don’t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won’t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They’re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won’t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he’ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

14.) You’ll almost never have to hear, “Yaw dawg whazzap!!” plop out of their mouths. Unless it’s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get “wasted”, so you won’t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that’s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than “DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!” Believe me.

craigslist posting ID: 66795671

i ♥ the internet and blogging and geeky things

2007-05-25T14:25:00.001-07:00

i am a geeky girl. i love geeky things. go to http://xkcd.com/. they have some pretty cool geeky things. like this comic. i thought some of my blogger buddies would appreciate it.

lyrics for today

2007-05-23T14:11:00.000-07:00

John Mayer: Gravity

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees

Oh twice as much aint twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (Now how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Keep you all where the light is
Just keep us where the light is
Ohh.. where the light is!

random acts of kindness

2007-05-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

I was watching a show last night and during the commercial break I had seen a commercial for hospitality. Have any of you ever needed a bit of public help and was saved by a stranger who didn't think of just themselves? Did you ever witness someone who helped out another being in need or maybe YOU were the one to help? Well, you can go to www.behospitable.com and enter in your story there. They will publish it online where everyone can read it and you can read some other's stories too!

lyrics for today

2007-05-21T10:51:00.000-07:00

"Breathe (2 AM)"

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

meet the landlord!!!!

2007-05-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

The Landlord

14,000 things to be happy about

2007-05-18T15:01:00.000-07:00

personality profiles
Marshall Field's store, Chicago
strawberry-peach pie
throwing the bouquet
a wire basket filled with leafy green ferns and eggs
working on a project
across-the-breast watch chains
Bart Starr, football player
attic junk
chrome-baned tables
curling up on a chaise lounge with a word search and a cup of tea
November chills
"in the red"
horse-show ribbons on the wall
insulated food totes
moss-laden terra-cotta pots of geraniums
watching children play
mushrooms stuffed with spinach, capers and cheese
pasta with prosciutto and peas
test tubes
washing the car mats
a shrug of the shoulder when things don't get done
hot peppers threaded along a string in a kitchen

sign away everything you own!

2007-05-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Fark goes to Georgia Tech and plays a little prank on the students there. They ask them to sign a release form and many do with out even reading over it! Check this out is pretty funny.

(Props to Kevin Burton for this one. Thanks!)

facebook has a music video!!

2007-05-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

rhettandlink check 'em out... they're hilarious. thanks justine!

also go here to sign up for facebook. its free and its awesome!

lyrics for today

2007-05-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

Mae: Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

We made plans to be unbreakable,
love was all we knew.
No insurance for the unthinkable,
blindly get us through.
We've been searching for a lifetime-
short as it may seem.
Riding on the fumes that spark us,
while igniting dreams.

Mistakes we knew we were making.
Mistakes we knew we were making.
Don't think about chances we're taking,
Mistakes we knew...
do da da da da...
do da da da da...

Driving in the rain to the hospital
quiet aches intense.
What at once just seemed the impossible
now makes perfect sense.
We held hands to face the uncomfortable
cold and lonely room.
Magazines and empty distractions
barely got us through.

Mistakes we knew we were making.
Mistakes we knew we were making.
Don't think about chances we're taking,
Mistakes we knew...
do da da da da...
do da da da da...

And when we try to think of the life inside,
we found ourselves looking at the world through new eyes.

(music playing)

What can now be said,
oh, little one on the other side?
Dance until the band stops playing,
sing with all your might.

Mistakes we knew we were making.
Mistakes we knew we were making.
Don't think about chances we're taking,
Don't think about rules we were breaking.
Mistakes we knew...

The list goes on and on.
The list goes on and on.
The list goes on and on..

14,000 things to be happy about

2007-05-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

stopping being a perfectionist
wall storage systems
Rhode Island: Newport, mansions, breakers, yachts, Block Island
tropical fruits
two-handed backhands
heinz tomato ketchup
an old Welsh dresser
broiled fish topped with slices of lemon and cut-up parsley with browned butter around it
cloudy days and sunny thoughts
a portable aluminum camp grill
crocheted bedspreads
floating poinsettias
working better in dull weather
food gifts
frosted glass ceilings and pink-capped chandeliers
ghost stories and marshmallows by the fire
paper logs
apple beer
apple squares with cream cheese
Copenhagen
happy feelings emanating from the kitchen
parallel and crisscross styles of lacing

iilwy

2007-05-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

i was invited to check out a site called iminlikewithyou.com. (thanks a friggin million mager! you rock!) don't really feel like explaining too much of it. its by invite only and once you have the invite, you create a profile, make a game, a get contacts by choosing the highest bidder on your game or being chosen from a game you bid on. if you want an invite, ask me. i'll give you one if you're worthy enough! hahahaha. i gotta give props to 'just because i can' for choosing me to be one of his contacts. i appreciate it man! anyway....

hope you all have a super day and kudos to me for finally getting my mac! yay!

14,000 things to be happy about.....

2007-05-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

hollow-stemmed Pilsner glasses
building a model car
dainty fruit dishes
doing your own thing
flickering gaslights
a 10-gallon jug of fruit salad
lakeside roads with farm stands offering apples, pumpkins, pears and other fruit and vegetables
making friends with the police
passing notes
"skit night" at camp=oh the memories of wawona
jellyrolls
flipping the record-selection flaps on the jukebox until told to stop
nylon tennis panties
splendid "dunkers" with coffee
allowances
halcyon= calm, peaceful, happy, golden, prosperous, affluent
rosemary= remembrance
fried rice
competence
hymn-sings
dim, low hanging factory lamps
a candle lit room
hemming your clothes
smooth, muscular arms
snorkeling
homemade cider jelly
long hands
miniature artichokes
pink butcher's paper
Montego Bay, Jamaica
10 cent ferry rides
window spray de-icer
winter as a master miniaturist
candy-stripe shirts, unironed
cinnamon coffeecake
snow outlining the elements of trees' architecture
dinner with laughter
funny toes
knowing there will be many surprises in the future
stuffing a phone booth with people
rooms with polished pine floorboards and door jambs that tilt and slant and extra touches like silk flowers and current issues of antique and wildlife magazines
snow white carpeting
sports-art galleries

some more things to be happy about....

2007-05-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

French playing cards
french toast, butter, powdered sugar
open-weave
the cinema
leaves to sniff: pennyroyal, dill, bergamot, sage, geranium
fruits to smell: early apples, fresh strawberries
Italian cheese toast
peach/banana/cream, yellow/pink/gray, sand color combinations
yankee ingenuity
ties the width of lobster bibs
uneven parallel bars
viewing every day surroundings with a tourists eye
the delicious smell of cooking food and the hustle and bustle of the preparation
the ketchup that collects at the lip of the bottle
Welcome Back Kotter
an eat-in-the-rough restaurant
cherry tomatoes
driving under an overpass during a storm
chew face or smash mouth=kiss
fresh ginger muffins
coffee steeped with cinnamon sticks and cloves then iced
regional offerings on the menu
bags of magic tricks
eight hours of sleep
lying on your back in a snowy field and making and snow angel
paintboxes
building a bed frame
spinach and sour cream omelets
an idyllic quiet broken only by the ripple of the stirring water, the splash of fish rising to flying insects, and the crackle of a driftwood fire
stickpins
thin slices of radish, pepper, sweet butter on sliced french baguette
white cupcakes with multicolor sprinkles
stilt-legged wharves
writing a screenplay
aging and stew or soup
animals and toys for a nursery
the Florida Keys
Amish buggies
briefcases

I love my make-up! Lets make a change!

2007-05-02T10:43:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason this morning, while I was putting on my make-up, I realized: I really love it! I have spent time and money into building my (small) collection over the past few months. I have spent about 40.00 on the bag itself. Then the contents:

Mirror from Sephora: Free (came with a gift card a so thoughtful and loving friend got for me)
Bronzer Brush from Sephora: 25.00
Full Cover by Paris from Sephora: 30.00
Cover up by Physicians Formula: 10.00
Sugar and Spice blush by Loreal: 8.00
Mascara by Fresh from Sephora: 25.00
Bare Bronze/Victoria's Secret: 18.00
Berry Lip Fusion from Sephora: 38.00
Clinique eye liner from Sephora: 15.00
Brow Brush/Comb: 2.00
Romeo and Joliet nail polish by O.P.I.: 8.00
Rose Quartz eye shadow by Lancome: Free (my auntie's friend works for them so I get free samples a lot)
Emory boards, nail clippers, cuticle clippers and hair ties: ?????
Total (including bag): ~219.00

So I was thinking.... thats a lot of money (for me, at least) to spend on something that I don't really need. And I thought to myself: Geeee, how selfish of me. So What I plan to do is take 100.00 out of my next pay check and 100.00 out of the paycheck after that and donate it to a charity of some kind. That way, I can pay back some of my selfishness to women who are less fortunate. You can help too, in a smaller way of course. The next time you run out of some make-up and you plan on going to buy some more, stop! Take that money and go buy a sandwich at subway and give it to the next homeless person you see or go to the grocery store and buy a bag of groceries and donate it to the homeless shelter. It can make a difference in someone's life. Even if it seems like its something that is too small to do or too little to donate. Too little is a hell of a lot more than nothing. Think about that!

P.S. Did anyone go to www.spreadthesharing.com? Leave me a comment and let me know if you did and I would love to hear your story! I told them about the time in my life when I used to volunteer to make meals for the elderly.

Oh... and I still love my make-up. Even if I have heard that I don't need it! Well, every person who has told me that hasn't seen me with out it so... HA! :-)

Would you like to donate a meal?

2007-05-01T14:48:00.000-07:00

Go to www.spreadthesharing.com and they will donate a meal to the hungry (up to one million meals!!!!) for every story you share. I did it and it feels so good to take part on something like this... even if it is something small.

14,000 things to be happy about.....

2007-05-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am going to write a few things every day (up to 14,000) that people should be, or most people that is, happy about.

A stream-of-consciousness list
pajamas at breakfast
reed-fringed lagoons
seeing the moon rise
the feel of a rug under bare feet
sweet fresh corn and tender baby lima beans, drenched with cream
the "snuggle right in" feeling
a lake catching the last flecks of sunlight coming in over the pines
the position of your head as you bite into a taco
shadows cast by shutters against a shiny white wall
a small music box
moderation
starting to make things happen
a baby's first tooth
teakettles
sweet potato souffle with miniature marshmallows and raisins
brass-decorated cash registers
clam-strewn sandbars
headphones
a baseball game going into extra innings
the groan of ice on a lake when the temperature has flirted with zero all week
babies who never cry
orchestras
a boat tour to see a picturesque little ocher-and-red villas
brand-new notebooks
pachyderms
Staffordshire calico dinnerware
braiding gimp at camp
picnic-cooler colors
a rich spiced chocolate drink
the eastern seaboard
babies who cry
medallions bearnaise
old-time radio shows
red-carpet treatment
toddlers' vocabulary

Okay.... thats good for today. Enjoy some pictures of Breezy while you ponder these pretty neat things.

lyrics for today

2007-04-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

Incubus: I miss you

To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, Utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you.
I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
and I miss you.

nothing in particular

2007-04-24T11:17:00.000-07:00

I am extremely tired today. I got tons of sleep last night, but I think the lack of sleep from the night before needs to be made up. Ick...

Anyway, this tree is in front of my house. Pretty huh? Its starting to lose its prettiness, unfortunately, right now; but that's okay. I love the landscape around my house. Its always so beautiful. I have two hummingbird feeders outside my livingroom window and I like to sit and watch them feed on it with these pretty trees in the background.

Well, I better get going right now. My boss man just walked in and I cannot be caught blogging. twittering, meebo-ing and a whole lot of other 'ing's. I'll write more later.

9 minutes of fame!

2007-04-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

I was randomly websurfing and came across a site: http://9minutesoffame.com/Default.aspx

you get to have your blog displayed for 9 minutes to everyone who is patiently waiting to see it! It's pretty cool. So I patiently waited for the chance to put my url in. After a few tries, I finally had my nine minutes of fame! Took some pics of it... coz Im a dork... crappy quality, but this is the most excitement I have had since I found out a friend of mine is coming into town! (way to twitter it up love! lol) Got to take out the trash and vacuum now.... t minus 10 minutes till quittin time!

Sanjaya no more and man can I relax now or what?!?!!?

2007-04-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

Now I can sit here and rejoice because Sanjaya is no more! I was kinda sorta in a way scared that he was going to make it to the top four, but America finally got their heads outta their butts (and stopped listening to that stupid Howard Stern crap) and he had the least amount of votes. YAY!! Now this is where the real competition is at. I feel that everyone on the show now actually deserves to be there and would be the ones here right now even if Haley and Sanjaya were voted off weeks and weeks ago. OMGosh I can breathe now! LOL... anyway thats my random thought for today. Why the hell do I care about this show anyway?!?! Whow knows? Have a great day and a great Sabbath... ciao!

some of my things

2007-04-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a book that took me by surprise. It was from the summer before I was a Junior at SLO High. I was dating this guy Branden Welshons and we had an awesome relationship. We both were very romantic and very cutesy and we got along wonderfully. We were the "puppy dog love" relationship type that got each other something for the month anniversaries!!! (I know, I know; lame.....)

I was down in San Diego visiting my Auntie Edie for a week. I had a lot of free time on my hands and our six month anniversary was coming up so I wanted it to be special. I had written a lot of poems for him and poems that were inspired by him and had kept them in a binder. I decided to go out and buy a blank paged journal and make him a poem book. I went around the back yard at my Auntie's and got leaves and rocks and a bunch of natural misc. things as well as ribbon and string from her sewing room; and decorated the pages with them. I typed up all the poems and placed them in the book and numbered the pages. I also took a bunch of pictures of him and I and some of my family and I and made a collage in the back of the book. It took me all week to make and I was so pleased when I was finished with it. When I got home, I also went out and bought a blue glass bottle with a cork and had put the sand from the beach (a lake beach) that we first kissed on. (Yes; I went back that same night we first kissed and grabbed a zip lock bag full of the sand and had held onto it for, apprently, this reason.) I decorated the bottle with our names and the date of our anniversary (October 31 1999) with a bunch of stars and things on it. It was quite cute and pathetic... lol. So anyway.....

Onto the book. We dated for a year and decided to go our separate ways and then he got all pissed at me when I moved on. He gave me all my things back, including that book, and we haven't spoke since. So I put those things in a box, taped it up and put it in my closet. It has moved around with me everywhere I have been, but never brought it out. I was doing a bit spring cleaning and decided to open up the box. Going through the poems was quite emotional, but I decided it would be nice to share them with you. So here are a few that were in there.....

Wait

Undaunted, I stand against
a sea of absolution where
I will make my wish for you....
Existing somewhere between
the shadows and the light.
You are lying there waiting for me...
some day I will find you.

I Love...

I love the smile that lights your face...
I love the warmth of your embrace...
I love the voice that says, "I care..."
I love each little joy we share....
I love your way of being sweet...
of making my life so special and complete
I love your undertanding as you would do...
I love you for just simply being you!

Falling Stars

I wish I could have you beside me
I wish I could have you holding me tight
I wish you will always be mine
Im wishing on a falling start tonight

I pray that you will stay beside me
I pray that you will be holding me tight
I pray that you will want only me
I pray as I am wishing on a falling star tonight

I know we will have our ups and downs
I know you will be holding me tight
I know you will want only me
I know; I am wishing on a falling star tonight

Now I have you beside me
Now you are holding me tight
Now you want only me
Now; as we wish on a falling star tonight

Do you?

Do you know you're the first thing on my mind
as soon as I wake up?
Do you know that I miss you
as soon as you leave?
Do you know that you're
the bestest thing in my life?
Do you know you're
the only one who cares?
Do you know that when you fall
I will always pick you up?
Do you know that when you cry
I will be the first one there?
Do you know that when you are sad
I am the first one to care?
Do you know you're the one
who changed my life?
Do you know you're my favorite person
in the whole widest world?
Do you know that I trust you
even more than my girls?
Do you know that you're my wish
on every star that falls?
Do you know you're the one
who tore my hearts walls?
Do you know that when I kiss you
it's the best time of my life?
Do you know how tall you are
really is cute?
Do you know you're my prayer
every single lonely night?
Do you know I think you're perfect
and we are just right?
Do you know when the phone rings
my heart jumps out of my chest?
Do you know I think you're different
from all of the rest?
Do you know I love you
more than you think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You can really tell (compared to my most recent ones) how completely novice and young it is. I really did put a lot of emotion behind all that though. I feel kind of sad because back then I had so much positive to inspire me. I feel like right now I only have a couple things to be inspired about and yet I feel like I would be crossing some boundaries or lines in writing them. Its one thing when theyre engraved in your heart; its another when its out on paper. Anyone can get a hold of it then.

confessions of undying love, lust , like or whatev.

2007-04-16T11:07:00.000-07:00

I know.... I have to wait. We have to be friends... I know..... and I may be pushing it posting this, but what can I say? I am an open book.... read me.

Muse: Unintended

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one Ill always love
You could be the one who listens
to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one Ill always love

Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one Ill always love
Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before
Ill be there as soon as I can
But Im busy mending broken
pieces of the life I had before

Before you

tgif !!!

2007-04-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well, this week has come to an end and I couldn't be happier. Although this week has been a good (emotionaly) week.... it has been very hard on my body for some reason. Lots of lack of sleep, feeling exaughsted after work and cramps; so, so ready to put this week behind me and enjoy the weekend. Tomorrow is Sabbath and like I said before, I am bring Angie with me. I really hope she enjoys it and I hope she can walk away knowing that, if she allows, God can help her through this hard time. I have been praying for her since I found out she got locked up.... I know God is willing to be there for her and help her and support her, but she needs to be willing to let Him in. I was surprised and pleased when she asked me if she could come along with me to church. I had wrote her a letter about a month or so ago about my meeting up with a few friends from church and that I had planned on returning. And the next letter I got from her was in repsonse to that one saying that she really wanted to go with me. That she felt like it could be something positive for her (duh) and help give her the strength to stay clean. It made me feel so good that she took the initiative to wanna come along. We'll see how that goes.

Okay... feeling extremely lethargic right now ....

say what?

2007-04-12T16:28:00.000-07:00

Saw this and thought it was cute.... enjoy!

One fine October morning
in April, last July,
the moon fell on my window,
the rain shone in the sky.

The flowers sang quite sweetly.
The birds were in full bloom.
I dumped the neighbor’s garbage
inside our dining room.

My parents always praise me
for sneaking out of school.
They tell me not to study,
so I won’t be a fool.

My favorite food is spinach.
It makes my muscles small.
Each day I’m growing shorter—
soon I’ll be eight feet tall!

I’m saving up my money
to throw it all away.
I hope this poem annoys you,
so have a happy day.

finally

2007-04-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have to say last nights American Idol was not half bad. I was extremely nervous when they told Sanjaya to sit back down, but already having Haley up there for the top three made me ease back a little bit. She was, indeed, the one who did the worst Tues. night so she deserved to be up there in the bottom three. I am soooooo soooooo glad they finally got rid of her! As soon as Sanjaya is out, I will be completely relieved. I am not too sure on who I want to to win. All the girls; Jordin, Melinda and Lakisha. Between the guys? The best is Blake, but I like Chris and Phil. But to win overall? Jordin because she is 17, Melinda because of her chance to make it big and be in front instead of back-up and Lakisha because she is trying to make a life for her daughter and herself. Melinda is the best, though. She has the most talent, in my opinion. I just don't know. All I know is they finally got rid of Haley and now they need to kick off Sanjaya. Bryanna doesn't even like him!!!!! 8-)

Anyway, off to compressing more files for the company and getting the basics outlined for the web page. Looooong day ahead of me.

American Idol

2007-04-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

This is such a stupid topic and I really shouldn't get upset about this, but seriously; why the heck are Haley and Sanjaya still in the competition? I know that the people voted off would have already been voted off my now except for two, but these two people do not deserve to be on the show right now. And the whole votefortheworst.com thing is absolutely childish and vain. American Idol, yes, is about america voting for the ones they love, but honestly; its about talent as well and those people do not have a whole lot of it! Yeah, Haley may be pretty, but she sucks. And well Sanjaya.... he really has nothing going for him except that one time he had straightened his hair. Now I am not saying that he can't sing the correct notes or anything, but Simon said it right last night when he said that Sanjaya sounded like he was 14 when he sung that song. Ugh, so frustrating for me. AJ should have stayed, Stephanie, Sundance, Chris (Sleigh), Gina and anyone voted off after AJ was should have all stayed before Sanjaya and Haley. Ick...

Well, enough rants. Hope you all have a good day!

Inspirational Quotes and stuff

2007-04-10T16:16:00.000-07:00

Some quotes from a book I am currently reading called, "The Game Of Life For Women {and how to play it}" by Florence Scovel Shinn:

"All power is given to each woman to bring 'her heaven' upon 'her earth' through right hitnking. This is the goal of the Game of Life."

"Ye, the Almighty shall be thy defense and thou shalt have plenty."

"By thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned."

"Resist not evil. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good."

"Whatsoever a woman soeth, that shall she also reap."

"A burden is an adverse thought or condition, and this thought or condition has its root in the subconcious."

"Real love is selfless and free from fear."

"Acknowledge God in all thy ways and God shall direct thy path."

"There is, for each wmoan, perfect self-expression."

"Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind."

This book has been a very big key in getting myself back on track with life; with God. She teaches so much about self-control and patience. She speaks of a verse in it "Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it are the issues of life." (Prov. 4:23) I had spent the begining of my relationship with my (ex) husband seeing life in a negative way. (This was after I fond out some pretty incrminating things that he did... ie: cheat.) Sooner or later it became what I envisioned. I have been struggling to put my life back together after that mis-hap. Which leads me to the next verse...

"Ask, and it shall be given you, seek, and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you." (Mat. 7:7) I had been trying so hard to get back into touch with some people from VVAA and church. Last year I re-aquainted myself with a few friends from school and church and come from just school. They were positive people in my life before and I thought that maybe they could be now. Although they are still great friends and I talk to them occasionally, they haven't been able to influence me enough. This is because I wasn't asking... I was simply just being. I sat down one night and I asked God to help me. To put me on the right path and put some influencial people in my life; some motivation. Well about two weeks after that my friend Danica called me up. She and I were talking about the good ol' days and who we have and haven't kept int ouch with and she mentioned a certain someone. Well, I looked them up and sent them a message and they replied. That was about a month and a half ago and ever since then we have talked almost everyday and they have opened me up to finding more positive people to surround myself with. I didn't realize that this person was here to help me with that. To help me get on the right path and make things more positive for me. I was knocking on God's door and he opened it for me. He was there along with one of my, what I consider now, best friend.

We met up about a month ago when he came into town and he flat out told me; you should go back to church. (Not his words.) I had always made excuses "Oh no one can watch Bryanna...." or "Bryanna is too much to handle in church...." and Bryanna had never really expressed an interest in going. So that kind of made me stay home. But after him nudging me a little bit to go I agreed. That next Sabbath I played it VERY safe and stayed home and had worship at home with Bryanna. I took out my Bible and her Childrens Bible and I had her chose a story that caught her interest. I read that story to her then told her more about it in my Bible. She was very interested in it. Then we sang some songs and prayed. Needless to say... I was making up really lame excuses. The following Saturday (which was this past weekend) we were out of town and I wasn't familiar with the church down there.... but this Sabbath I am definitely going. Bryanna, myslef AND Angelica. So that will be amazing bringing her along with me too. Give her some positive scriptures and an influencial enviroment. Hopefully it will help her keep strong in staying clean.

Well, I will write more tomorrow. Time to go home!

God Bless!

my garden

2007-04-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago i planted a garden in my back yard. i put in some marigolds and celosias under the bird bath and then a row of pansies, marigolds and celosias in front of the fence. they were doing good until some slugs came in and destroyed the marigolds at the bird bath. i have had to go out every night with a flashlight and kill the darn things! so today i am going to go get some sluggo and try that. if that doesnt work then i'll have to rip up the marigolds and just plant celosias. which is okay, but i'd like to keep the pretty marigolds. i do have to give myself some credit though; going into this, i had NO idea what i was doing. i have no green thumb. maybe i should have asked my mom. she was a horticulture major in college! anyway... thought i would show you some pics that i took after i first planted them. i am going to put in some edging around the row of flowers to make it look more defined. it looks kind of plain and bland right now. pretty flowers, though. have a super day!

easter weekend

2007-04-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

this weekend was an awesome weekend. we went down to go visit some family and it was nice being able to see and spend time with them. it's been a while. i got to relax and hang out and cook and i took bryanna to a park and we fed the duckies. she had a lot of fun. she ran around and rode her scooter that i brought down with us. gosh it was a blast. anyway, on easter i put bryanna in the shower then went outside and hid 56 eggs! that took two bags of jelly beans and a bag of chocolate eggs to fill all those. tons of candy for her. when she got out of the shower i got her dressed then went and looked for the egss in the front, side and back yard. she hasnt been easter egss hunting sice she was two, so i dont think she remembers the feeling of gratitude you get when you find all of the easter eggs. i only had to play hot and cold with her on a few eggs that i hid well, but other than that she found the rest. its amazing to sit back and watch your childs face light up over the smallest of things. well; they're a big deal to her, but you know. i remember back when i was a kid how important easter egg hunting was for me, but i had my brother and sometimes a whole lotta cousins to compete against.... bryanna got all the eggs for herself. i dont think she would have ejoyed it as much if she had to compete against someone else. she is a sore loser sometimes. i think she might be high maintenence when she gets older. poor fella who meets her huh? but anyway, she had tons of fun and that made me smile.

then after all was said and done i was sitting in a chair looking out into the back yard and i saw an opossum walk across the top of the brick fence. i immediately got up and got my camera out and then as soon as i turned to go out the back i saw another one, but this time it was GINORMOUS!!! i turned on the camera and slowly went out into the back. (now i have seen possums before, but only at night. i dont think i have ever seen one at 1 in the afternoon). i slowly made my way out into the middle of the yard and by the time i had gotten to that pot, they were behind the hibiscus and trying to make their way into another hiding spot for the day. but i did manage to get a picture of one. its not a good one, but oh well.

i didnt get back unti very late last night and when i came back.... i found that the slugs had completely diminished my marigolds! so i am going out to go buy some sluggo today. wooooowhoooooo!

lyrics for today

2007-04-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

can't get this song outta my head. not a bad thing, i suppose; but i seriously am thinking about someone and its driving me nuts!!!

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.

To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me, but you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me.

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes
And I know, the waiting is all you can do
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep, I'll put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me.
I'll put a spell on you, You'll fall asleep
'cos I'll put a spell on you, And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see, And you'll realize that you love me

aqualung-strange and beautiful

confused and miguided

2007-04-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

today has been such a weird and kind of frustrating day. actually my whole life pretty much. i have been struggling to maintain a healthy and happy life and i have been trying so hard to do so much good and it just seems like no matter what i get sucked down into this dark hole. it just seems like people keep trying to drag me down. well a couple of people in particular, but we don't need to mention them. (ick... just bit into a twix. sorry leo... i don't like chocolate as much as i had led on. oooooops.) i have been trying to clean up the messes i got myself into like my ex husband and some debt and some friendships that i lost. in the past 2 years after filing for divorce and being a free woman and breathing on my own, i have mostly come to terms with a lot of things and have mended some of my broken heart. but i still feel like something is missing.

i can think back to a time when i was happy. when i knew who i was and what i wanted and didn't feel so alone and down. that was when i was going to church and vvaa and was active in pathfinders. i didnt feel alone and i felt like i was; no, i KNEW i was close to Him and knew Him. i felt happy and involved and complete. i am sooooo longing for that. plus, i had made tons of awesome friends and became close to a lot of people. i miss that. i miss all the positive influences and the good times i had. i really think i would be in a better place right now if i hadn't of left chuch and vvaa and pathfinders. well, i wouldn't have bryanna, i amcertain of that; so that wouldn't be a very good trade, but sometimes i wish i could take my old life back and still have her. i know i would be happier and more positive and have a better overall outlook on life. and i would know Him.

i pray every day. i pray for many reasons too. for friends and family and people i dont know and myself and my daughter and before every meal and before i go to bed. the kind of life i have right now and the situation i have been placed in by that freaking a hole has put me into a position to where i feel like i need to ask for forgivness every day. an all though i don't mind communicating with Him, i want to feel at ease and not have pressure on asking for His forgiveness every day.

i also want to be able to provide a better life for bryanna. i want her to be able to have the opportunities that she needs to have her excel in life and have everything she wanted. so far, her father (and i am NOT trying to ex-husband bash here) hasn't really been that grat of a role model. right after i had her i was forced to go to work full-time and finish school full-time because he was too lazy to work and was in school (but slacking!). so he was always home with her and never gave her a structured environment. he always spolied her never disciplined her.... actually about that whole discipline thing.... for example: if she did something she wasnt supposed to or got into something she wasnt supposed to he wold ignore it. but if he was in the middle of a tv program or video game or on the computer and she interrupted him or asked for something or wanted to eat he would spank her. so she always felt like she was doing something wrong. since hes been gone i have been trying to reverse those effects and give her a more balanced and structured environment. it has definitely been a task, but i am not giving up! i want to bring her to chuch with me, but she hasnt expressed or shown any interest in wanting to go. i wish she would, but i cant force it upon her. it would defnitely be a learning experience for her right now, but i know later on she will understand it more and get more out of it. i started going to church when i was 7. i loved it. all the stories of christ and b.c. always fascinated me.

ICK! i need to get going. i'll write more in a bit.

freak yeah ...

2007-04-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

this is just one hundred percent amazing..... angie got out yesterday and i went to meet her after my dr. appt. (more about that later) and we went to the quarterdeck to have some lunch. i told her i would take her out to dinner, but she couldnt wait for that sunset passion (and honestly; neither could i) so we went earlier. the last time she and i ordered one of those was when we went there to celebrate me getting this job and that was back in june and let me tell you.... that sunset passion tasted better than i had remebered. it was dayum good! anyway, i ordered a tri tip sandwich (which is so un-like me) and she ordered the cheeseburger. i had never seen anyone suck down a cheeseburger as fast as she did lol... she hasn't had real food since before she got locked up and she said it was the best cheeseburger she ever had. after we had lunch we went back to my house and she got online and checked all her messages on myspace and yahoo and caught up on a couple things then we went to go get bryanna.... after that we went shopping and then went back to my house to chill for a bit, then i took her home. it was so nice and wonderful having her out and me being able to talk to her face to face. i was sooooo nervous seeing her for whatever reason, but as soon as she got out of her car and i gace her a hug that all went away.

gotta go... i hope all of you out there have a wonderful rest of the week!

excitement

2007-03-07T14:38:00.002-08:00

So i called angie's mom yesterday to see how her court thing went and she told me that angelica might be getting out sometime next week! i was going to go down to visit her, bu if she is getting out next week i'll just wait until i pick her up. i am so fucking excited. she is trying to get into a sober home in santa maria somewhere and interviews for it today. i hope she can get in. it would be good for her. she told me that as soon as she gets out she wants to go to the quarterdeck and get a sunset passion... so im gunna take her there and get one. i really hope that she does get out next week, but i am not going to get my hopes up. i would be very disappointed if she didn't. i mean i will anyway, but i am not expecting her to get out so soon. shes supposed to be out the end of this month anyway and shes already been in for over a month now so having to wait an extra couple of weeks isnt so bad. i miss her.

poison....

2007-03-07T14:38:00.001-08:00

You are my addiction, I take all of you in...
When all I feel is pain, your love is a poison.
I devour your heart, melt with in your soul...
Drink up your poison, until I feel whole.
I swim in your eyes as I am lost in the current...
Enjoying the feeling as your poison is sent.
Letting your voice breathe on my neck...
I shiver in pleasure taking in all I can get.
My tongue dancing with yours as you taste the bittersweet...
You indulge more in our kiss letting my poison release.
Now you're addicted with my poison so sweet...
You hunt through your thirst for tempations last treat.
My need is so wanting for everything that you are...
Let us drink up our love as it poisons our hearts.

tragic lives are lost

2007-03-07T14:36:00.002-08:00

I found out that one of my friends from a long while ago... one of my BEST friends, just died. I am sure some of you heard about it, but it was Anthony Stepaniak. Him and I were friends from 7th grade until our senior years. Then we lost touch.
A lot of why we lost touch was because of his girlfriend. He started dating this chick who has issues and put a lot of stress and grief on him. Needless to say; I didn't like her. (If anyone who is reading this is her friend, I am sorry for what I am about to say, but this has nothing to do with you.) She constantly was fighting with him and pulled him into meth and caused a lot of problems. Brought the worst out in him, if you will. Hes a great guy, who made a lot of bad choices and one of them was her. I guess this (bitch) called the cops on him once again and it pissed him off so he took the car (he bought her) and went driving off. She reported it stolen. He was out on highway 58 when he took a turn too fast and flipped the car several times. He was taken to French hospital and died later on. I'm not saying this is her fault... I'm just saying.
Now I have totaled it up.... over the past 4 years, I have lost 20 friends to either car accidents or suicide. One of them affected me tremendously and I still haven't been strong enough to let go. Please; if you have common sense... DO NOT SPEED!!!

Well, back to work and back to feeling shitty. Damn sickness and allergies.

The Stepaniaks: I am praying for you.

absolutely crushed

2007-03-07T14:36:00.001-08:00

My friends mom called me today and told me she talked to Angelica. Angelica said she doesnt want any visitors because shes ashamed of whats going on with her being in jail and all. I am so sad because I really want to see her, but I can respect and understand her decision. I have been writing her and I am going to send her some money this weekend so she can buy some things while shes in there. At least she got my letters and appreciates that. I just want her to know I am here for her. Wish I could say it face to face, but hopefully she'll want to have someone visit her.

Angelica!!! I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU!!!

twisting knots in my stomach

2007-03-07T14:35:00.000-08:00

i am absolutely so sick to my stomach about my friends situation. I just wanted so much to be there for her today and I couldnt and I feel like crap. I have been an emotional wreck all day and it looks like I am not going to be able to go down to sb co. jail to see her either tomorrow. boooooo. i feel so sick. damn. i fucking MISS HER!

extreme crap...

2007-03-07T14:27:00.001-08:00

I just found out recently that one of my best friends just got arrested. She was pulled over for whatever reason and then searched. She was with someone and his son (who was a minor) in her car and was caught with possesion of meth. now theyre trying her for distribution because i guess she had a lot on her. her bail is 34,000.00 so its a felony charge which she is looking at some prison time. i am going to go to her court hearing on friday and go visit her in jail on saturday. i freakin am so fucked up about this. i am mad at her for even putting herself in that situation, but i am sad because i cant pick up the phone and call her. she cant pick up the phone and call me. i love her to death and i care about her so much i hate that shes in this place. i wrote her a letter telling her that i am here for her. if she needs me to go to her court hearings, im there... if she needs me to visit as often as i can, im there. i will write her every week and will do what i can to be there for her with the limitations she has. i know that none of her friends are even going to give a crap about this. theyve always turned their back on her when she needed someone. (not bragging) but i have always been there for her. i had just barely gotten to know her and offered my home to her and her husband when they didnt have a place to go. and even when i didnt have a place to live and was with my mother i offered her the couch i slept on so she wouldnt have to sleep in her car. she tried asking friends (who had their own places) but they always said no so she had to sleep in her car those nights, but i was always there for her and i am going to be there for her now. i just hope she knows that i am thinking about her and that i will be there for her. man.... this fucking sucks